I believe and now know that my one year old Dachshund, Mr Squiggles' presence in my life at this time is here to show me something deep within me that is searingly painful. So painful, to the point of putting up with a situation that doesn't serve any one of us, most especially him. The emotion is one of ABANDONMENT, and my judgement of it. It has touched the wound of losing (being abandoned by) my mother at 17, but also how awful it must have been for her to know that she would leave the earth not knowing how or where her child's journey through life would unfold or end up. I believe this is at the core of my unspoken vow with my pets to never give them up for adoption into another family. A family which may be better equipped to serve them. My stance has been to declare, " I will be the mom that never leaves, that never abandons them!" I don't have a fear of loss, rather I have suffered a loss so deep and unprepared for, that the issue of abandonment has unknowingly had many lingering effects upon my life. This experience of letting Mr Squiggles go shows me how far this wound has impelled me to suffer to the point of taking on my mother's pain, in addition to my own. I have also transferred this pain onto my pets, regardless of what's in their best interests, up until today.
I have 3 dogs, 3 cats and currently live in a small home where the art of organization is a daily challenge. Mr Squiggles was bought by my daughter, and lived with them until my 3.5 yr old granddaughter almost made him fall down the spiral staircase! Needless to say for his own safety, it was decided that Mr Squiggles would be best served by being rehomed. Luckily, by a passionate animal lover client of mine, who is an angel to pets deserving of a new environment. At the last moment, just as I also sit here today, I decided to take him into my home, as I watched my daughter (having gone through a major unexpected death herself) mirror the pain of letting him go.
I took on the extra responsibility of taking Mr Squiggles, despite knowing full well how difficult this would be, and how it would have a negative impact on my already full house. He is the sweetest boy, but his very active and piercing vocalizations aka barking, have proven to be the straw that broke this camels back, the deal breaker!! I tried bark collars, giving him more attention and outdoor time, but nothing worked. So, much to my distress, I now sit here saying my goodbye to a little animal that was put on this earth to be loved unconditionally....not rehomed (judgement). Like I said before, a long time ago I made a vow to never give up a pet that I took responsibility for. I've had 6 dogs and 2 cats from the beginning to the last goodbye, and however painful those goodbyes have been, I knew they'd had the best life I could give them.
THIS IS SO DIFFERENT. This time I am saying a premature goodbye into an unknown future for my little guy. I never recognized how I was taking on and acting out my own, as well as my mother's deathbed feelings, and superimposing them onto my pets lives until this moment as I write. When I got up this morning I felt I couldn't go through with turning him over. Now, through the allowing of my tears to wash away my pain into these words, I've received the gift of seeing what caused this all to unfold this way.
Mr Squiggles hates being crated, and is crated at night as well as at varying times during the day when I work. His crate time gives my other dogs some free time to have the run of the house, but he deserves to be in an environment where he'll be the star, where he is top dog... Spoiled rotten even. Writing this makes me smile for the first time today. This is the point that I want to engrave in my heart and soul. He deserves a better life and I now willingly accept the responsibility of making sure he gets one. I place full faith and trust in God and my friend to provide him with his best home, with his best family. I do it for him, as well as myself. I know our connection is complete and forever, because love never dies and I know that! The biggest love for him is to let him move on to a new life, and the biggest love I can give to my two older dogs is to rehome Mr Squiggles so they can claim the attention and affection that's been lacking for them since he came to live with us. It's about loving them ALL enough to let him go. It's also about loving myself and my mother, being able to forgive her for "abandoning me". It's still sad though I have peace in knowing this was a reflection for me to heal and move through. Did you know that the definition of suffer means to "go through?" Well I believe we have all suffered through this and had a major breakthrough through the love of a little Dachshund named Mr Squiggles. Squiggy, Mommy (or Nana, to respect the original relationship) will always love you, and keep you in her heart forever. Until we meet again my boy.....
Copyright 2012 by Mercedes Calderon. All rights reserved. This material may be copied and distributed subject to inclusion of this copyright notice and my blog themysticnextdoor.blogspot.com
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